To the edtior:
I am writing this as a Thanksgiving message.
God, we thank you for freedom. We have no civil strife or war in the homeland as do many unfortunate countries. No machines of war are in our streets and no invasions on our shores and no militia in our hometowns and no bombs or missiles cascading on our homes, schools, libraries or athletic arenas.
We enjoy precious peace. Now please accept our gratitude by watching us gun down one another, murdering co-workers at the factory or office, murdering ex-wives and ex-girlfriends at the salon or birthday party — murdering total strangers in the university classroom or fast food restaurant or local theater or political rally, even murdering our marital partners, along with our kids, in our own homes. Thus, we give thanks.
God, we thank you for abundant food to eat and clean water to drink and bathe in. Our supermarkets are a Disneyland of diverse food products — cereals, colorful fresh produce, meats and fish, milk and juice, pizza and soda. We’ve countless restaurants with Chinese, Italian, Mexican and Thai cuisine, and hamburger joints galore.
Other less fortunate countries cannot even feed their people. Insufficient food and unhealthy water plague their daily existence. Please accept our gratitude by watching us get high on marijuana, on cocaine, on heroin, on prescription drugs, on alcohol. And watch us fill our rehab clinics and graveyards with people you highly gifted and dearly loved so we can profit financially by addicting them and ruining their lives and filling the hearts of their loved ones with senseless misery. Thus, we give thanks.
God, we thank you for our lovely streams, ponds, lakes, rivers teeming with fish and our gorgeous seaside beaches to sunbath on the sand and frolic in the ocean with our families. Please accept our gratitude by watching us commit adultery. From Tiger Woods to General Petraeus to John Edwards to Bill Clinton to Eliot Spitzer to Arnold Schwarzenegger – all - breaking your 7th commandment, and helping lead our nation, by example, into moral ruin via their pathetic hypocrisy. Thousands of less famous citizens guilty, as well, of adultery; violating a sacred marital trust and marching off to divorce court and vindictive custody battles that rob kids of their childhood innocence. What’s more, we fornicate and abort millions of fetuses. Thus, we give thanks.
God, we thank you for a country saturated in abundant natural resources. From coal to oil to natural gas to iron ore to majestic forests and stony canyons to cut and mine to build our pleasant homes, from luxurious fields of crops to harvest and waters filled with crabs and clams and shrimp for our dining pleasure – we stand in awe and are embarrassed by your generosity and the diversity of your gifts.
Please accept our gratitude by watching us exploit one another in the marketplace, greedily cheating each other on Wall Street or at the pumps, cheating employees out of decent salaries and vital benefits, shipping our fellow citizens’ jobs to foreign soil to profit from their joblessness.
Watch us as we line executive pockets with big bucks while laying off workers with big bills they can’t pay. Watch the double-tongued politicians betray the genius of our courageous Founders, frustrating progress for the general good to satiate the desire of the power hungry few. You shared all your gifts and were glad, but, we refuse to be glad and share them equitably. Thus, we give thanks.
God, we thank you that you are friendly and merciful. Please accept a display of our appreciation by watching us drive any remembrance of you out of our public schools, out of our universities, out of our sports arenas, out of our media sources, out of our movie theaters and off our TV screens, out of our courts and political and religious institutions.
Don’t annoy us with your moral code or sacred writings so highly prized by generations who’ve gone before us. We’ve outgrown all that. Stuff that stuff in the turkey, will ya? We neither want interference from above nor interference from the few here below who still believe in you.
In short, we freely accept your gifts, but you are no longer welcome here in America.
Take a hike over the creek and through the woods to Grandma’s house this Thanksgiving, God.
Maybe she’ll remember who you are.