Some people watched the Academy Awards last Sunday night and saw glitz and glamor.

Me? I saw fear - and mediocrity.

I will admit it right now: I could care less who wins at an awards show. It doesn't affect my career. Unfortunately, I won't make millions if Helen Mirren collects golden statues.

I watch these shows purely for entertainment value - and by entertainment value, I mean bad fashion, Freudian slips and the occasional wardrobe malfunction.

When it came to fashion, this event was incredibly low-key this year. Sure, people looked good. Some merely looked OK. Few looked great, showed any kind of original style or even a goofy personality (wherefore art thou and thy swan, Bjork?)

How did the Oscars become a vanilla-flavored (and not even French vanilla-flavored) fashion show? Do the notoriously narcissistic stars now fear the fashion police more than the local 5-0? Do they get knots in their stomach when they see Joan or Melissa Rivers?

Perhaps.

If that's the case, they need to cowboy up. Stop playing it safe, and start playing to win. These awards can have an impact on a semi-famous person's career. Did anyone really know who Jennifer Lopez was until she showed up on Diddy's arm in a boldy patterned, navel-baring, strategically taped dress at the 2000 Grammys? That dress made sure she wouldn't stay Jenny from the block.

And what about Liz Hurley? Sure, she had a show-biz career, but it wasn't nearly as successful until she showed up at the 1994 premiere of "Four Weddings and a Funeral" on Hugh Grant's arm in a skin-tight dress - also Versace - held on by strategically placed safety pins. Then it was "Hello, Estee Lauder Girl."

The common element here? Really, it is strategy. These girls wanted to get noticed, and they did. As a result, they got a lot more rich and famous.

Without this sort of attitude, celebrity-watchers are in for some dire times.

Actors themselves really aren't that interesting unless they are doing something completely outrageous. That's why tabloids are filled with their misdeeds and why we pick them up - because their rehab stints, infidelities, public meltdowns and occasional brushes with the law make for fun topics to discuss with your co-workers.

If you want fans, you need to keep it interesting. At awards shows, that means dressing interesting.

Are there risks? Sure. When you go for broke, you could go Bjork. But you know what? People still talk about Bjork because of her swan-shaped dress much more than her music and acting. Someone, somewhere might check out her music because they want to know more about the kooky singer. That is the power of fashion and style.

In the end, the risks for the stars seem to be minimal - besides an occasional jab at the ego. Regardless, they should dress for the fans: Without our fascination with them, they would just be normal people earning a normal salary.

They owe us.

nnn

Rosemary Ford is an arts and entertainment reporter for this newspaper.