For almost 10 years, Jim has gone to the same windowless office where he is a mid-level manager for a computer company.
By now, he thinks, he should be a vice president, with a corner office, his own administrative assistant, a salary increase and exciting challenges. Instead, he labors 50 to 60 hours a week at a job he longs to leave and believes his career is going nowhere.
Jim says he is mired in the routine. The diversions that used to make him happy — going for long walks in the woods with his children or playing basketball with his friends — are no longer fun and seem more like chores.
Mostly, he says, he feels tired and sad. He is constantly irritable and quick to explode in anger with little provocation. He rarely sleeps eight hours at night anymore and has lost his appetite.
He used to drink alcohol only on weekends, but with the job stresses and more and more bills to pay, he began having a few drinks after work every evening just to help him relax a little. By the time he has read the newspaper and eaten a little supper, he is too tired to play with his daughters or to have much of a conversation with his wife.
Do other men feel this way? Jim realizes that he has no idea. How could he ask his friends or co-workers a question like that? He doesn't even know what he is depressed about and somehow it seems weak to seek advice or help from them, or from anyone.
Historically and sadly, fewer men than women seek counseling or other help for depression, anxiety or stress-related problems.
Our culture typically frowns on men who need help; after all, men are supposed to the providers, the strong ones. They are supposed to be the rescuers, not one of those in need of being rescued. In many counseling practices, only 25 percent of patients are male.
Rather than seek counseling, some men fight depression by working an extreme number of hours, exercising to excess, or increasing their alcohol intake to medicate themselves. They are looking for distractions to help them avoid facing the real problem.
Unfortunately, some men take their fear, anxiety and frustration out on their children or spouse instead of confronting the problem.
When Jim is physically ill, he sees his physician. Yet, depression and the often accompanying anxiety are illnesses; one's brain chemistry is not working properly — it is a physiological condition.
If Jim does not talk about it to someone, his wife, or a friend who can support him in seeking professional opinion and help, the likelihood is that he will become more depressed, possibly lose his job, and, if he becomes more verbally and, or physically abusive to his wife and children, he will lose them, too. People become depressed about being anxious and depressed and the spiral into deeper depression accelerates.
Many men who become drug, alcohol, sex, or work addicts are severely depressed. It is critical for them to seek professional assistance. In general, at the beginning of treatment, medication is advised in order to ameliorate the symptoms and, in order to repair their lives, it is imperative that, concurrent with the medication treatment, they enter counseling.
Counseling, according to Nobel Prize Laureate and Columbia University Professor Eric Kandel, a neuropsychiatrist, is a critical component in providing context and cognitive or behavioral training to help the patient become emotionally healthy which positively affects brain function.
A simple example is, that when we laugh we usually feel warmer, more relaxed and energized. As a result, our perspective on life is more positive so we are then able to see many possibilities and solutions to life's challenges — especially in relationships. When we are sad, we feel tense, heavy, without energy and can only see the negative side of life which then impairs our ability to deal with emotional issues in a productive way.
If you have the slightest doubt about whether you might be depressed, ask a professional. The longer you wait the harder it becomes to drag yourself out of the emotional and mental mire that depression creates.
It is the manly, strong, wise and prudent thing to do — suffering in silence is not.
Join some well-known men who have fought and won over their depression: NFL quarterback and commentator Terry Bradshaw, "60 Minutes" journalist Mike Wallace, and novelist William Styron to name just a few.
Based in Rockport, life and relationship coach Susan Britt, M.Ed., a psychotherapist, teaches individuals, couples, families and co-workers to resolve relationship conflict, achieve life and career goals and accelerate personal growth. Questions and comments may be addressed to her at susanbritt1@verizon.net.
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