An upcoming forum titled "Boys to Men: Myths, Culture and Connections" will lead parents and the community in examining the challenges facing boys today and exploring solutions to nurture their full development.
The forum will be held Monday, May 14, from 6 to 8 p.m. at Wellspring's Cape Ann Families at 28 Emerson Ave. in Gloucester.
"This is a session about what messages we are giving boys, and how we can help them as they grow to manhood so they are emotionally connected and become good men," says Wellspring Cape Ann Families Director Stacy Randell.
Many boys in our culture are not doing well, Randell said. Their academic performance is suffering, and school shootings are becoming more common. The United States also leads the industrialized world in children growing up without fathers, so boys often lack appropriate male role models. Without such examples, she said, boys may emulate the behavior of angry and violent characters on TV or the antics of real-life bad boys they see in the media.
Randell said it seems "the only emotion that boys are allowed to express is anger. It's sort of beyond macho."
"Boys have the ability to relate, but we socialize it out of them," Randell said. "Raising them to just be tough is having a huge detrimental effect on us and them. Kids need to develop caring relationships, but if that is ridiculed, it doesn't happen."
Randell, however, added that it's important to allow boys to express emotions in general, even if the emotions are anger, because anger is often a secondary feeling that must be shared before other emotions can be conveyed.
Wellspring has adopted the relationships cultural model developed by the Stone Center at Wellesley College, said Cindy O'Donnell, family services coordinator.
"The idea behind this theory is that we grow in the context of our relationships. People are interdependent, so we need each other to grow as humans," O'Donnell said. "Our experience is that if we help boys have real, empathetic relationships with the important people in their lives, whoever they are for that child, they are much more likely to be able to develop the relational skills we are trying to foster."
However, boys are often pressured to "cut the apron strings in order to develop into a man, and break off or lessen their attachment to important relationships, not foster them," O'Donnell said.
Randell said "popular culture is sabotaging boys and preventing the development of empathy." She attributes this in part to marketing changes that have occurred since television was deregulated in 1984 and more sexual and violent content appeared on the screen.
Toys and clothing are becoming more "genderized" as well, O'Donnell said. For example, she said, there are now two versions of the game Candyland, geared separately at males and females, where years ago there was only one. The result, she said, is a message that boys and girls are different. "Stereotyping is bad for everyone," she said.
Added O'Donnell, "Boys can be good athletes and leaders and still have good relationships," she said. "Leadership is often defined as the ability to have relationships with people. In fact, they need to have good relational skills to connect to others as leaders."
Men are also expected to be more involved in raising children today as well as in their professional responsibilities, O'Donnell said.
"More is expected from men these days," she said, "so the boys we are raising will need to develop good relationships with their own children and co-workers."
The Gloucester Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Partnership, in which Wellspring Cape Ann Families actively participates, believes that to prevent violence in boys, they must develop the capacity for compassion, good communication skills, empathetic responses to others and the ability to take responsibility for their actions.
An important first step for parents, Randell said, is to "limit and really monitor what boys are seeing and talk about it. Help them be critical thinkers and viewers about what's thrown at them." Similarly, she encourages parents and others to intervene when boys are subjected to "bad" messages such as "you throw like a girl."
Randell also urges concerned citizens to "recognize and acknowledge our power as consumers. Corporations hate bad press, so not buying things and speaking up is effective." Protesting the sale of "Little Pimp Squad" outfits for infants, for example, she said, will alert manufacturers that parents feel such gear is not appropriate for young people.
"There's no limit on what they try to sell us," she said, "and we can't count on the government so we have to be heard as consumers."
Next week's forum complements the sexual abuse prevention partnership's recent "So Sexy, So Soon" event, which exposed how sexually explicit media images negatively impact girls' self-esteem and their ability to form vital relationships.
Child care and pizza will be provided at the forum. Registration is requested by Thursday by contacting O'Donnell at 978-281-7856, ext. 2, or codennell@wellspringhouse.org. For more, call Cape Ann Families at 978-281-7856, the Coalition for the Prevention of Domestic Abuse at 9778-281-9771, or the partnership at 978-281-2477.
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This article is part of a regular health education series provided by the Gloucester Health Department and Addison Gilbert Hospital
