"If only I had a higher paying job."
"If only I had a house overlooking the bay."
"If only I was married. Then everything would be perfect."
Do you ever find yourself thinking like this? As if finding one piece of the puzzle of life will solve all of your other problems?
If so, you are creating a negative reality for yourself. This is "all-or-nothing" thinking and is one of the many ways in which our thoughts can be self-destructive.
If, for example, you believe marriage is the answer to your problems, all your hopes and expectations will be funneled into one aspect of your life.
The value of marriage then takes on fantastical, unrealistic proportions — it becomes the "all." It will be difficult, if not impossible, for your marriage and your spouse to live up to those expectations.
If your spouse doesn't answer every need and create a perfect world for you, you will be disappointed and your spouse will feel defensive or, if you don't marry you may think your life adds up to nothing, even if you have a satisfying job and healthy, fulfilling professional and personal relationships.
"All-or-nothing" thinking isn't the only destructive thinking pattern that can hurt us.
Many people overgeneralize negative events in their lives. If, for example, your current romance recently ended, did you see it as part of a pattern of defeat?
Did you find yourself thinking: "Men (or women) are always rejecting and leaving me?"
If you made an error in a report at your office, did you think "this always happens to me!?"
Those destructive thinking patterns only serve to make us feel hopeless and helpless. If we are defeated once, we think, we will be defeated again and again. That kind of thinking becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; we actually, through our own self-talk, then create that defeated reality.
We may also hurt ourselves by thinking that our emotions reflect reality. Imagine, for example, that you became angry because your partner ignored you during dinner last night. Did you then tell yourself that because you felt angry, your spouse doesn't care about you any longer?
Or, if you feel insecure in your job, do you translate it into thinking you must be a failure? This is irrational, destructive thinking at its most powerful.
Some other types of irrational thinking that can create havoc in your life include:
Assuming: coming to a conclusion about a person or situation without having all the facts.
Mind-Reading — very popular: thinking we know what someone is thinking and, or feeling.
Should-ing: perfectionist thinking (I should be happier, I should have more, I should be better at, etc.).
Catastrophizing: I lost my job; I'll never find another one! A hurricane is coming, we'll lose everything!
These are just a few examples of irrational thinking. Instead of using our cognitive abilities to help us flourish, allowing ourselves to become our own loving supporter, often through such destructive self-talk we become our harshest critic, our greatest enemy.
These negative thinking patterns are learned and therefore become automatic, deeply affecting our way of experiencing the world. The great news here is, that if we can learn one way of thinking, with a little conscious effort we can learn new more constructive thinking patterns.
If you mistakenly believe that marriage is the answer to everything, you may need to create more balance in your life. Satisfying work, friends, and love relationships are all important components in everyone's life. No one component, by itself, can bring us happiness or solve all the problems. Nor does defeat in one relationship mean all relationships will follow the same pattern. Failure and mistakes are necessary to the learning and growing process
Focus on thinking constructively, using all your experiences to further your growth. Learning to substitute rational thinking for sabotaging thoughts will give you the energy you need to create a positive reality filled with positive possibilities.
Based in Rockport, personal life coach Susan Britt, M.Ed., a former psychotherapist and university director of career and counseling services, teaches individuals, couples and families to resolve relationship conflicts, attain life and career goals and accelerate personal growth. Questions and comments may be sent to susanbritt1@verizon.net.
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