Up is Down. Down is Up.

After last weekend, Eli Manning (Giants) is Up and In and Peyton Manning (Colts) is Down and Out. What's up with that? Big role reversal this time of year. Give the new kid a chance.

When Eli and Peyton are in playoff games on the same day - last Sunday - which one do their parents go to? Is it like Gloucester, where the Mom would go to Eli's game and the Dad goes to Peyton's game? Do they flip a coin, hire a rocket or Xerox themselves?

When you pass by the birdwatchers out of their cars, ensconced behind their binoculars and telescopes at Niles Pond, why do some leave their cars running while viewing rare birds? Isn't that a contradiction in terms and conditions, wings and feathers, their carbon clawprint?

Now about ordering that 32-ounce diet soda with your lunchtime salad? Does that seem excessively moderate or moderately excessive? And which battery do you charge when your dead hybrid electric car needs a jump start? The one behind the electrically operated hatch cover that now won't open? Or the one hidden down in the depths of the engine?

Maybe Triple A will know. At least all that roadside swearing is environmentally correct, isn't it?

And how about replacing our perfectly performing voting machines because the company that sells the new ones says the software operating the old ones has suddenly become bad? Is the fox guarding the hen house or selling raffle tickets to his fellow foxes?

Perhaps they are being advised by the 102 Boston firefighters who have taken advantage of a union contract provision that gave them substantially enhanced tax-free disability pensions by claiming career-ending injuries while filling in for superiors at higher grades, doing office work at a desk job. Opening file cabinets and walking down the stairs can really end a lot of careers, can't it? To the tune of $25 million for Boston over 10 years.

Here's another exercise in modern meltdown math: A $3 million house plus a $3 million renovation does not necessarily equal a $6 million house. In fact, these days with most renovations, it doesn't even equal or look as good as the original $3 million house. Especially in this market. Speaking of which, as prices and values fall, when do real estate taxes stop rising? Oops, did I say that?

When is a woman a man and a man a woman? When Barrack Obama is Carolyn Kirk and Hillary Clinton is Jim Destino. Hold onto your hats, business as usual is in for a bumpy ride. What do you do when they won't take your money at the local hardware store when the computer that's supposed to save time won't read the UPC bar code and they can't manually enter a price? How is that supposed to get you back out of the stone age and down the road? I thought computers were supposed to speed things up. You know you're in trouble when the screens still have orange type.

What's the big rush to get drive-in banks? The tellers inside the new bank seem twice as fast as the drive-up tellers? I have yet to have a driver beat me outta there when I enter the lot behind them. Plus I get a lollipop and a bunch of friendly hello's inside, all while burning off calories. Get off that couch!

And why did President Bush and the CIA announce a big new covert push into Pakistan on television and in the newspapers last week? Bad guys can't read or afford cable? Sheesh, keep it a secret when you go covert, will ya? No wonder New Orleans can't get rebuilt.

And how about Mitt Romney and that presidential campaign? His campaign calls for change in Washington. Yet he endorses everything Bush is doing, from more tax cuts to troops in Iraq until 2028, more Gitmo, more waterboarding, more breaks for oil companies, more cars, more gas, what's global warming? In fact, all the Republican candidates are using the "C" word while endorsing each and every part of the Bush legacy. What's up with that? Spare change, mister?

And speaking of change, the New York Times recently pointed out that most people don't really want change. They have it pretty good. But the irony is that if they want to keep it that way, they'll have to change.

Change the way they use energy and the amount they use. We need to borrow less money, fix our schools, reform our health care system and end a costly war. That's the kind of change that'll keep us from changing too much. You've got to change to stay the same. So get going!

Gloucester resident Gordon Baird is co-managing director of the West End Theater and producer of the "Gloucester Chicken Shack" TV show.