GloucesterTimes.com, Gloucester, MA

December 29, 2012

Letters: The absurdity of school gun security


Gloucester Daily Times

---- — To the editor:

I think we should all dress up like cowboys and cowgirls when we go to school these days to learn readin’, writin’, ‘n ‘rithmetic.

The teachers, students, the principal, janitors, track coach all should wear holsters and sidearms — and part of the curriculum should be Quick Draw, a class where students learn to be the next Billy the Kid. If you win a round against a fellow student you go on to face the janitor. Gun him down, and you move on to face the school psychologist. Win again, take on the vice-principal.

Once we establish the quickest draw on campus, at lunch time, when he/she comes into the cafeteria, everybody can nervously place their hands on their “pieces” and nod in respect to the reigning QD. A shiny silver five-point star is worn on the western style shirt by the week’s top gunslinger. It could be like the yellow jersey in the Tour de France, though no gunslinging nor enhancing drugs will be allowed on school grounds!

On Fridays, at high noon, the entire school population can assemble on the football field for the weekly Showdown. Ten paces, turn and fire. Live rounds. Maybe a gallows, a saloon, and a couple horses for dramatic effect.

Whoever graduates with Quick Draw top honors gets a scholarship to college and a lifetime supply of Clint Eastwood movies. Then there’s college, where in America, having gunslinging skills has become a pre-requisite to surviving to see graduation day.

I think as well, based on the recent local cases of brutality to dogs, we need to consider allowing dogs to carry firearms. Instead of biscuits as a reward, we can give them ammo.

STUART DIAMOND

Rockport