I don't know about you, but I no longer believe them.
You know what I mean: those paternalistic, friendly, reassuring television ads — in which the big paternalistic, friendly reassuring insurance companies paint this warm, wonderful portrait of you and them as partners, buddies — co-pilots on the runway of life's big adventure.
The fulfilling music swells to a honeyed crescendo as you and your happy lifestyle drive down the road of life into a rainbow future. But that, of course, is before you have signed on with them — or ever dare to file a claim.
Then we go from their pre-sign state of bliss to a post-sign state of hiss. A company might claim that they can account for the "if" in "life", but sometimes I feel it ends up more as the "li-e" in life.
That's the basic disconnect from pre- to post- in our commercial universe. At first, you are the valued customer, the expert client, the measured, intelligent, discerning consumer that knows who his real friends are out in the mean world. "We'll always take care of you first...."
That is, until they don't, i.e., when you call them with a claim or a problem. Then it's: "All of our lines are busy with representatives helping other customers, please wait until one of our overworked, underpaid, cranky phone staff can be assigned to distract you from getting what you thought you were buying." I can only imagine the careful and thoughtful training these people receive on how to deal with problems: "Just say No!" appears to be their training policy.
In particular, the big health insurance companies stand out. The faces of the company people who are there to help you in the TV ads are replaced by the voices or the paperwork of the staff who won't cover you at the hospital because it was a pre-existing condition or a non-allowable treatment on your policy. Then they don't look so paternalistic.
The banks do it, too. Those credit card ads show the discerning, go-getter out charging up her life's fantasies — Go! Splurge! It's you, it's great, you deserve it, you're worth it, it's practically free!
Then, of course, they raise your interest rate to 30 percent — retroactively, natch, no discussion, no reprieve.
I have always resented the ads that sucker the consumer into believing that they deserve top treatment, and they shouldn't ever have to think about paying it back, getting out of their armchair or denying themselves a thing.
It's greedy companies relying on the greedy side of the consumer. The only defense is to understand that you can't have it all now, when you want it, just because it's you that's the most important variable in the equation. Remember when people actually used to save up for things they wanted — can you believe that? Denying oneself instant gratification? Or compromise one's wants with one's needs and means?
In fact, I don't believe the phone company, hospitals or investment company pitches, either.
The cell phone companies can show you, the on-the-go, upwardly-mobile, dash-about actress/model that almost nobody looks like, who can do whatever she or he wants, whenever and however.
You can get texts, instant scores, quotes, stock trades, videos, e-mails, movies, rock concerts — anything on your phone you want. But have you ever tried to read and understand your cell bill? It's a myriad of charges and asterisks and notes and conventions and laws and government charges. Who the heck can tell? But it's a far cry from the ad that convinced you to sign on and pamper yourself with all this info you didn't even know you needed five years ago when it didn't exist yet.
My generation is bad enough at believing this stuff, but what is this next generation of kids to do? They have always been taught that they could, should and would have everything they wanted, as soon as they wanted it. They were the most important generation ever, right?
These companies depend on that attitude: You deserve it just cuz you're you, now sign up, partner. We'll bill you later.
Well, if it looks too good to be true, it is! Giant corporations are all over the news for screwing the little guy behind their backs. They are in business to make money, as much by enforcing policies designed to take advantage of sloppy customers. Don't depend on government to bail you out, beware the pitch in the first place.
It's no different than all those banks and investment firms who promised safety and endless too-good-to-believe gains from rock solid investments that were really just subprime roadside bombs ready to explode their customers lives.
Obviously, we have to go on acquiring services from big companies, even if we no longer drink their Kool-Aid. Sometimes, it never hurts to just buy what you need in this life, not always everything you want. Don't just dive in to deals without understanding the consequences.
Just because your friends and neighbors have something, doesn't mean you have to. Take pride in personal sacrifice. They might end up with what they want and a big financial headache later.
You might end up with what you need and a big smile. Caveat Emptor ... let the buyer and the TV watcher beware.
Gloucester resident Gordon Baird is co-founder of Billboard's Musician Magazine, and producer of the "Gloucester Chicken Shack" TV show.
