Jen, a business woman, believes she could attract important new clients if she and her husband Doug were socially active.

Doug, an artist, isn't a social person at all. He doesn't spend time with anyone he doesn't really like.

This difference of opinion and values doesn't enter Doug's mind as he scans the train station parking lot. Jen is late again, though he's told her many times that he hates having to wait there. Finally, she drives up, saying that she "just lost track of time."

Jen's chronic lateness may have more to do with her unexpressed resentment than her busy schedule. She may actually be demonstrating passive aggression, a behavior in which anger about one issue is acted out about or through another, unrelated issue.

Passive-aggressive people don't verbalize their desires and expectations. They can't talk about what is bothering them or ask for emotional support. Often, they are unaware of their own true feelings.

That unawareness is the source of the problem for passive-aggressive people. They repress their feelings, they numb their feelings, they avoid their feelings; they do anything except acknowledge their feelings. When they do something that is disappointing or hurtful, they don't realize that they are often getting even for something else that is completely unrelated.

Jen's lateness is really her way of expressing anger that Doug won't help her with her business. Instead of admitting to herself and to Doug that she's angry, she unconsciously gets even by not doing something that is important to him.

This behavior is called passive because it is not open, active aggression. Its meaning is not clear to either partner and, as a result, the problems of the relationship are compounded and become difficult to sort out. Neither one knows what's really going on.

Passive-aggressive behavior often has its roots in families where feelings are not honored, valued or even allowed. Members learn at an early age that it isn't safe to express their feelings. They never acquire any sense of positive personal entitlement.

Instead, they develop a pattern of passive aggression as an unconscious outlet for their unexpressed feelings. Passive aggression is an emotional and behavioral dysfunction. It is, however, possible to overcome these dysfunctional patterns through an ongoing learning process and with practiced new behavior.

If you recognize or suspect passive-aggressive patterns within yourself, here are some behaviors to practice daily:

Be a loving, non-judgmental observer of your own passive-aggressive behavior as well as the behavior of others.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Ask yourself: "What am I really angry, upset, threatened, frightened by?"

Answer truthfully and honor your feelings. Remember that feelings are not right or wrong, but important signals that can help direct you where you need to go.

Practice positive, affirming self-talk to develop an inner sense of positive power. Say "I am worthy of having what I want" and "I can ask for what I need."

The road to recovery from passive-aggressive behavior takes time and commitment. It is a road worth traveling, however, because in the process of learning to identify and express your needs, wants, and desires, you will gain not only self-confidence but also self-knowledge and self-respect — all of which are requisite to developing solid relationships at home and at work.

Based in Rockport, former psychotherapist now relationship coach Susan Britt, M. Ed., helps couples, families, friends and co-workers turn conflict into compassion. You may direct comments and questions to her at light622@juno.com.