Lifestyle

Parenting Teens: Developing one's 'self'

Pediatric Notes
Dr. Brian Orr
Published: August 15, 2008

This is the second in a six-week series on parenting "Be yourself."

Isn't that a phrase we learned in high school. But it takes a while for people to really understand themselves.

Some adults still don't know "who they are". Some know who they are but have trouble staying "true to themselves". Athletes use the phrase, "I have to stay within myself."

All this stuff about "self." But how do you ¬­— to use another popular phrase — "find yourself?"

Look at any adolescent and you can see the struggle of "finding self." They live in a world of uncertainty. They have so much confusion over their identities, confusion over expectations, and confusion over sexuality. Parents have expectations for them. "You can be a great pianist."

Society has expectations for them. "Your generation will have to figure out the global warming dilemma." And the sexual expectations — you have to be blind not to see those. How does any adolescent today manage through this confusing morass and "find himself."

Let's try to tease out all the confusion. Children learn a "basic child self" through the early years with their parents. Through praise and their accomplishments, children realize they have some skills that perhaps they can build on. They might be great in Little League or play the piano well. These young skills serve as a base to build from. You can see young kids identifying with their talent by emulating "stars" with the same talent. These "stars" often line the walls of their rooms.

As time goes on parents start expecting their kids to play a sport or to continue dancing or to play an instrument. Children find themselves not just doing an activity for fun, but to do that activity with a certain expectation from the parent.

By knowing children's skills in school, parents learn to expect certain grades from their children. By setting expectations and setting ideals for the future performance, parents form for their child what I call an "expected self." The child is expected to conform to this identity the parents hold in their minds. This "expected self" can guide some teens through adolescence. On the other hand the "expected self" may not be fair to another teen since other things may be going on for them.

Internally, children naturally develop some deep-seated expectations for themselves. They may have developed different skills or start to prefer some activities over others. These form their "essential self" that can often be in conflict with the parents "expected self." This sets up the dynamic often played up in movies. Have you seen the one where the parent expects their child to be a baseball or soccer star and the child wants to star in the musical?

Wait. I am not finished yet! Teens are pressured by society's expectations as well. Society expects success from our kids in the long run. Yet in the short run there is enormous pressure "to fit in." These two things in society are in conflict and each teen has to deal with this conflict. The most common way is to conform. This is why teens dress the same and act the same. The less common reaction is to openly rebel. If a teen is "counter culture" they "conform" to a different group. It is an open rebellion to the expectations thrown at our kids.

No. I am not done yet. Finally, quietly inside our kids a "sexual self" emerges. It is likewise under social pressure. And this is so unfair since ultimately this sexual self should be a truly personal choice. Yet society weighs into this struggle for teens in big ways. How many sexual messages do you see everyday? How do these messages effect teens? Have you watched a PG-13 movie lately? Have you looked at the magazines in the checkout aisle? Our society is so loaded with sexual messages that in many ways we have become a sexually dysfunctional society!

Wow, what a mess. How can anyone "find themselves" out of this mess!

Teenage years are all about resolving these conflicts. Kids need to become secure in themselves by fusing together their "basic child self." the parents' "expected self." their own "essential self." their "sexual self" and societies expectations. Only then does a teen become a mature and stable individual. I feel for them. I firmly believe that it has never been harder to be a teenager. But we can support them through this time.

Teens need a "chaperoned freedom." They need responsible adults around but need their space at the same time. They need to be respected for this horrible process that they need to go through. They also need to be respected for their skills. They need rules and guidance. They need really good examples both in society and at home. They need adults who are true to their adult selves so the teens can be inspired to be true to their teen selves. With this guidance, teens may ultimately achieve the security, confidence and ability to meld all these expectations and identities into one solid true self — they will have "found themselves."

When we see problems with teens in society — violence, drugs, and teen pregnancy — there are problems for these teens in this process of finding themselves. Some blame parents. Some blame society. Some blame teens.

Yet, in this complex process, many factors affect teen development. It is up to all facets of society — parents, schools, coaches, health providers, churches, & leaders — to take their responsibility in their contribution to teen development seriously.

I have said for years, if all adults looked at what they were doing in their lives and honestly assessed what impact it had on teenagers and kids, we would form a world of support for them that would empower them (the teens) to change the world. I wish it to happen soon. We need to support our next generation in "finding themselves."

In the next few weeks, I will be writing a series of articles about parenting teens. What roles do we have as parents in working with our teenagers? Most of the articles will be based on my workshops on teen parenting. I hope they help parents during these troubling times.

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Dr. Brian Orr is a regular Times columnist, a Gloucester pediatrician and author of "A Pediatrician's Journal."