Lifestyle

Twelve principles for parenting teens

Pediatric Notes
Dr. Brian Orr
Published: September 5, 2008

This is the fifth column in a six-week series on the challenges of parenting teens. The final installment will appear next Friday, Sept, 12.

Not long ago, I came up with 12 principles for parenting teenagers. I have professed them in workshops across the North Shore of Boston. Here they are:

1. Parents need to recognize that loss of control occurs, like it or not, as children grow. If you are a controlling person you will be very frustrated during teen years. Allow for some loss of control.

2. Control what you can. Parents have control of many things. You control your responses, money, the car and other home items. Exert control by limiting your teen's access to these.

3. Respect them even when they don't respect you. Teens are very sensitive and need your respect to hold them through this trying time. Don't be hurtful — even if they are to you.

4. Don't be afraid to set limits. Teens need limits. They keep teens safe and teach restraint. Through these confusing years, teens need the structure that limits provide. Remember, you are not "the only" or "the worst" parent just because you set limits.

5. Praise has never been more important. All kids need praise but adolescents really need praise. It may be hard to find things to praise at times.

Nonetheless, parents need to throw out phrases of praise to their teens. "Way to go!" "I like that." "You have always been good at that." These phrases help parents quickly give praise. These are also more easily received by teens - they get so embarrassed when praise is heaped on!

6. Teens need a set of clear expectations. Tell your teen what you expect of them. Check in periodically to be sure you are on the same page. Expectations complement your teen. It tells your teen what you think they can achieve. Your expectations become an essential part of a teen's subconscious voice.

7. Make corrections but don't be overly critical. "You are so inconsiderate." "You only think of yourself." "You always do this." Correct your child. Stay with your message. "I need your help." "I am frustrated that the house is a mess." "I" messages, not "you" messages work better with teens.

8. Be a good example. Be true to yourself. Be a strict judge of yourself. Work on your imperfections. Kids respect this. They see you working on yourself so they are more likely to work on themselves.

9. Listen when they want you to. You know when you ask a question, you get a one-word answer. Teens will talk when they know they have a captive audience. One that doesn't judge, criticize, or jump to solutions. Listen fully when a teen wants to talk. Throw issues back to the teen to come up with the answers. This way you and your teen will grow together with mutual respect.

10. Don't over-advise. Many parents think it is their job to give strong advice and their teen's job is to follow it. Wrong. Respect your teen's need to make decisions for themselves. Give advice and let them decide. They will make some mistakes and learn from them. Look at yourself as a coach, advisor or consultant and less as the boss. Your relationship will be better for it.

11. Exit arguments quickly. Say your peace and stop. Teens will never stop an argument. Not only that, their argument will get more and more illogical. They may even become hurtful. "You are the worst parent. I hate you." Illogical argument, irrational behavior, and volatile emotion all wrap together into an unpleasant parenting experience. That is unless you are smart enough to say your peace and stop.

12. Stay involved with your kids. Even as kids get older they need to know you are still interested in them. Pay attention to their activities. Witness some of their activities. Meet their friends. Allow them space to have their friends around.

Teens who have involved parents succeed in life better than teens who do not.

Dr. Brian Orr is a Gloucester pediatrician and author of "A Pediatrician's Journal."