To the edtior:
I am writing this as a Thanksgiving message.
God, we thank you for freedom. We have no civil strife or war in the homeland as do many unfortunate countries. No machines of war are in our streets and no invasions on our shores and no militia in our hometowns and no bombs or missiles cascading on our homes, schools, libraries or athletic arenas.
We enjoy precious peace. Now please accept our gratitude by watching us gun down one another, murdering co-workers at the factory or office, murdering ex-wives and ex-girlfriends at the salon or birthday party — murdering total strangers in the university classroom or fast food restaurant or local theater or political rally, even murdering our marital partners, along with our kids, in our own homes. Thus, we give thanks.
God, we thank you for abundant food to eat and clean water to drink and bathe in. Our supermarkets are a Disneyland of diverse food products — cereals, colorful fresh produce, meats and fish, milk and juice, pizza and soda. We’ve countless restaurants with Chinese, Italian, Mexican and Thai cuisine, and hamburger joints galore.
Other less fortunate countries cannot even feed their people. Insufficient food and unhealthy water plague their daily existence. Please accept our gratitude by watching us get high on marijuana, on cocaine, on heroin, on prescription drugs, on alcohol. And watch us fill our rehab clinics and graveyards with people you highly gifted and dearly loved so we can profit financially by addicting them and ruining their lives and filling the hearts of their loved ones with senseless misery. Thus, we give thanks.
God, we thank you for our lovely streams, ponds, lakes, rivers teeming with fish and our gorgeous seaside beaches to sunbath on the sand and frolic in the ocean with our families. Please accept our gratitude by watching us commit adultery. From Tiger Woods to General Petraeus to John Edwards to Bill Clinton to Eliot Spitzer to Arnold Schwarzenegger – all - breaking your 7th commandment, and helping lead our nation, by example, into moral ruin via their pathetic hypocrisy. Thousands of less famous citizens guilty, as well, of adultery; violating a sacred marital trust and marching off to divorce court and vindictive custody battles that rob kids of their childhood innocence. What’s more, we fornicate and abort millions of fetuses. Thus, we give thanks.