Okay, summer is hitting the dog days. Time to drag out my old crazy uncle’s book of expressions to live by — that I think he got off the internet. No wonder he was considered such an old coot. Here we go:
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agree with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up . We only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says “In case of emergency, notify” I put “DOCTOR.”
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you a car.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkys … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
— Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. “
Thanks, uncle. Your wisdom is always appreciated more than your long visits.
Gloucester resident Gordon Baird is an actor and musician, co-founder of Musician magazine and producer of “The Chicken Shack” community access TV show.